Thursday, June 30, 2005
Moths? I know, weird.
I started this website for Tyler. I hope some day he will read it and feel proud that some of his past was recorded. I started it because I wanted to share with everyone the enjoyment he brings me on a daily basis. I started it because even though I don't talk to people every day on the phone, I want them to be involved in our lives and feel like they are part of it. I started it because I never want to forget the happiness I feel when I am with, talking about or thinking of Tyler. I go back and read my entries sometimes and feel so happy. I crack up. I cry. I get mad. I always wrote letters to Tyler, I have notebooks of them. I have letters to him from before he was ever even born. Some day he will be able to go back and know what I was feeling and what I was thinking at any given time. I may make mistakes and have regrets, but I find comfort in knowing that no matter what I do or how many mistakes I make, my son can go back in time and know without a shadow of a doubt that I love him. And through it all - I found my comfort and peace in loving him. Somehow, I see his precious face and the world seems right.
OK, onto the moths... Sunday I was in church and the homily was about a man who collected moths. This man, he loved moths. He thought they were amazing creatures and he loved them so much he collected them. He had hundreds of them. One day he was walking in the park and he saw a cocoon on a leaf and he cut the leaf off and took it home. He was so excited to have his own moth and he was going to protect and love it. One day he saw movement inside the cocoon and thought the moth was coming. It didn't come that day. On the second day, the same thing - he saw the moth struggling from inside the cocoon, but nothing. On the third day he saw the movement again and thought to himself, I hate to see my precious moth struggle I want to help it out. So, he cut the moth out of the cocoon. The moth was so beautiful and the man was so happy. The next day the moth died. The man was heartbroken. He tried to figure out why this happened and discovered that moths have to fight their way out of the cocoon, this is how they grow and develop. The man realized that by helping the moth, he killed the moth.
To Tyler I say this, I am fighting to find my way and feel so sorry that you are with me in this fight. My promise to you is to love you unconditionally and always make sure you know how loved and truly special you are. I love you my son and would move mountains to make you happy. I never want you to feel my burdens. Be happy and feel light. Trust in me. It's you and me buddy.
OK, onto the moths... Sunday I was in church and the homily was about a man who collected moths. This man, he loved moths. He thought they were amazing creatures and he loved them so much he collected them. He had hundreds of them. One day he was walking in the park and he saw a cocoon on a leaf and he cut the leaf off and took it home. He was so excited to have his own moth and he was going to protect and love it. One day he saw movement inside the cocoon and thought the moth was coming. It didn't come that day. On the second day, the same thing - he saw the moth struggling from inside the cocoon, but nothing. On the third day he saw the movement again and thought to himself, I hate to see my precious moth struggle I want to help it out. So, he cut the moth out of the cocoon. The moth was so beautiful and the man was so happy. The next day the moth died. The man was heartbroken. He tried to figure out why this happened and discovered that moths have to fight their way out of the cocoon, this is how they grow and develop. The man realized that by helping the moth, he killed the moth.
To Tyler I say this, I am fighting to find my way and feel so sorry that you are with me in this fight. My promise to you is to love you unconditionally and always make sure you know how loved and truly special you are. I love you my son and would move mountains to make you happy. I never want you to feel my burdens. Be happy and feel light. Trust in me. It's you and me buddy.
